Hot and sticky race day

You've done the hard yards. put in the hours in training, now it’s your time to shine. Anything possible to get those last 1 percenters and get over the line for that elusive personal best.

A lot of people talk a big game that they are willing to try anything for small increments of physical gain over the course of a race, but there are very few who will actually take the hot load I am about to give out into consideration.

For years now there has been mass-debates as to whether sex the night before a race is a good idea. Is it good for women and not men? Is it best to abstain the whole week before? and what about going solo? does that count?

 Well, in my infinite wisdom I have for you, the defining answer. Sex before an event is not only beneficial the night before, but right up until the start.

Let's look at the why and how.

It is commonly observed that changes to cortisol and testosterone levels have a direct relationship to small, yet meaningful performance gains. Various studies have observed an increase in contractile power of muscles and time to fatigue when testosterone levels are high and cortisol levels are suppressed.

One particular study observed a correlation in T> 12% & C<21% resulting in a 5.5% increase in power output in cycling performance.

Testosterone is also associated with increased levels of aggression and mental arousal.

So getting the T up and the C down will help. The next question is, how do you do that?

well... when a man and a woman love each other very much...

Salivary testosterone levels have been reported to increase short term as a result of sexual intercourse, they have even been reported to increase as a result of mental stimulation (thinking about sex). This effect is immediate (within 15 minutes) and can fluctuate if stress stimulus is applied.

The information presented so far is insightful, well informed and considered, I know. But it is meaningless unless it can be applied practically. So I will now go into some details as to how much time you will save by flogging the hog pre-race.

Timing

It is important if you are really a committed athlete, to get the testosterone benefits as close to race start as possible. So your gun should go off no later than 15mins before the gun goes off. Even later if possible so the benefits last till the end of the race. On that point, I wouldn't rule out a mid-race top up, especially if it is a long course race like a half or full ironman. Don't be afraid to stop once or twice at the porta-potty or at the side of the bike course to burp the worm. Besides, those races can sometimes take like, 4 hours, who's going that long without pumping the python on a normal day anyway?

Administration

Just thinking about it is one thing, but the physical act of doing will likely see the greatest boost to testosterone levels. Even more so than playing a flute solo. Plus, one of the things I love about triathlon is the real community feel that is felt on the start line. So If you're smart, id tee up a partner pre-race to team up with. Or, get creative, get the tri-club together for a pre-race circle jerk. We're all in this together!

Location

This can get tricky; everyone is aware that the toilets on race morning have an amazingly long line. So you may have to get creative. Check to see if the transition tents are free, behind some bushes, or at a last resort, just pretend you're reaaaally struggling to wrestle your wetsuit on. This is probably why pros like to get hotels close to race start.

Equipment

I would recommend to keep the following essentials in your transition bag for race day

· porn mag (tape to top tube)

· Phone with subscription to porn hub

· condoms for pre-race coitus

· condoms to tape to your top tube (may sound excessive, but the last thing you want is to bonk unprotected mid race)

Following these tips will undoubtable lead to a great day on course, a memorable race and great performance... also you may swim bike and run ok.

I hope if you have read this far you have had a good laugh, been slightly offended and realised I'm a total jackass. But on a serious note, please take into consideration that the ideas I wrote above cover only a few (over exaggerated) aspects related to performance, and anyone remotely involved in sport will know allot goes into a race and performance can be affected by an endless amount of influences.

So don't take mine (or any) piece of writing as the final word on a topic relating to sports science. Question everything, so it can be everything it should be.

DIRK H. HELLHAMMER, WALTER HUBERT and THOMAS SCHIJRMEYER, 1985, CHANGES IN SALIVA TESTOSTERONE AFTER PSYCHOLOGICAL

STIMULATION IN MEN, Psychoneuroendocrinology, Vol. 10, No. 1, pp. 77-81,

JAMES M. DABBS, JR. 1 AND SUZANNE MOHAMMED, 1992, Male and Female Salivary Testosterone Concentrations Before and After Sexual Activity, Physiology & Behavior, Vol. 52, pp. 195-19

Carl D. Paton • Timothy Lowe • Athena Irvine, 2010, Caffeinated chewing gum increases repeated sprint performance and augments increases in testosterone in competitive cyclists, Eur J Appl Physiol (2010) 110:1243–1250

Katherine L. Goldey a, Sari M. van Anders, 2011, Sexy thoughts: Effects of sexual cognitions on testosterone, cortisol, and arousal in women, Hormones and Behavior, Vol: 59, pp: 754–764

Justin M. Carréa, Jenna D. Gilchrist a, Mark D. Morrisseya, Cheryl M. McCormick, 2009, Motivational and situational factors and the relationship between testosterone

dynamics and human aggression during competition, Biological Psychology Vol: 84, pp: 346–353

David A. Edwards ⁎, J. Laurel O'Neal, 2009, Oral contraceptives decrease saliva testosterone but do not affect the rise in testosterone associated with athletic competition, Hormones and Behavior, Vol: 56,  pp:195–198